LifeNotes: I went to birthing class, to prepare for being with my wife as we delivered our baby. Lamaze class was “top of my list” because participation within the event of my first child’s birth was important to me. And I learned how little I knew about birthing a baby! Great learning experience, though it didn’t go quite as I had expected during the actual birthing process of my little girl, Ellyn. I had the mechanics downpat. It was all the emotion that surrounded this birth, that until you experience some births, you really are not as prepared as you thought you might have been. Still the class prepared me for the things like Episiotomy, possible Caesarian delivery, umbilical cord, and a focus point.
I was breathing every breath with my wife as I “coached” her. As contractions grew longer and more severe, this little woman that I loved so dearly, threatened my life, and declared it my fault that she was in such a painful state. I was sweating, and pushing, and holding back, and not breathing, and moving my body as if I were the woman actually passing this child from womb to world. Our Dr Baker looked at me after a time and said, “Chuck, you really don’t have to work this hard. Lynne is the one who has to give birth. You’re only supposed to assist.” I looked at him and after releasing that last breath, I realized that I was “leading my wife by example”. I was so into this event, that I did not even realize my body, my soul, everything I had, was so much into the moment. It was an experience I will never forget. I was in “state” of human life delivery, and I was bound and determined to get it right!
Sweat dripping all over me, and I probably had “crushed” my wife’s hand, because she told me to let it go, blowing like it was life or death to get some air mattress filled to maximum capacity, when I heard Dr Baker’s words, I thought, “Yeah, he’s right”. Then I relaxed some and started becoming the husband I should have been during the whole delivery. It took about 10 hours for that babe to break through. Lynne was a “champ”.
Next shocker was when that little bundle came through, and head and shoulders then body cleared, I was right there, between her legs, watching my baby. I was aghast that her little head looked like an onion. It was all pointy and had a tuft of hair just at the most pointy part. Again, I took a deep breath. I silently prayed, (I did not want to upset my wife), Lord God, let me be strong enough to care for this little life. Her head is deformed but I can be man enough to deal with whatever comes my way. Dr Baker had to have seen the look on my face, and knew what my thoughts might have included. He said, “Chuck, sometimes they come out like this when the birth canal is tight”. I swallowed hard and dry. “It will round out in just a little bit.” Prayers answered, that quick! (They didn’t tell dads about pointy heads in my class. Make a note to tell the instructor to include this point in the next classes.)
After the delivery, the Episiotomy had to be stitched and the Doc was grimacing, and twisting his body, contorting his body, as this was quite a tight space to stitch. I had been like an umpire over “Johnny Bench”, (famous baseball catcher), during the actual birthing. (I think my enthusiasm had been messing with the focal point of my wife. The anesthesiologist, also a friend, Karen, suggested I might want to watch the baby as it traveled out of the birth canal.) So now, I assumed “the position” while he was closing up. I was again behind Dr Baker. The obstetrician, knowing I had done some vet work including stitching, and knowing I had stitched my own self a previous time, and knowing I too had scrubbed, and really probably trying to get me to back off so he could get this done, offered me his instruments and asked if I would like to stitch her up. Realistically, most husbands would have backed up and said, “Oh no! You’re paid for this”. OR “That’s OK, while backing out of the surgical area”. OR, just would have been at the head end of their wife at this time to avoid any possible gore, or vomit. “SuperTuck, as small children used to call me, reached to take hold of the tools and proceed to do my duty. About this time, my wife hollers, “Get away from me. Don’t touch those tools. You might mess something up.” I took a step backward.
As I said, the birthing classes prepared me to a point. The experience was my “Baptism”. The birth of our second child, Trey, was much easier on everyone! Mom & Dad were more relaxed, and I think the relaxation contributed greatly to the faster, easier delivery. Or, maybe little boys are just nicer to their Moms than little girls tend to be!
What about parenting class? What about spouse relationship class? Wonder why I dumbed down & didn’t search for teachers that I liked there? Lamaze class really helped. Maybe I was in church & thought I should just naturally know what is right? Maybe I was in college and thought such coursework was beneath my dignity, or not offered in the curriculum? Maybe I was so busy with life that I closed my eyes, and spun the wheel of fortune. Probably, the truth is that I was listening to friends’ advice. Friends that though they were well-meaning, who knew less than I did about the situation. Their advice was, “Aw, nobody has the honeymoon last forever”. “Ya gotta find something else to do to take your mind off it.” “Suck it up, son, you’re married now.” “Come on, let’s have a drink and relax.” “That’s why there are hookers.” “You have your kids to take up the slack.”
Would you be willing to ponder for a moment? What if instead of my buds, who were either telling me what they thought I wanted to hear, or what they heard from someone else somewhere; instead of a “preacher” who was great in the pulpit, not particularly acute in observations of “young married couples”, what if I talked some of my confusion through with her Dad, my best friend at this time? He loved us both, still does. What if we, as a young couple committed to search until we found the right solutions to problems? What if we had someone to coach us in the ways of bringing our feelings into solutions rather than compounded problems? Maybe that type of relationship with an adviser was not available at the time. Truly, relationship dynamics are much more understood today than even 10 years ago. And, much more available than even 2 years ago. What if your Life Coach was committed to you, to your family, and to continuing his education, enhancing his skill sets to improve your skill sets, and able to network with other specialists related to your needs? What if your personal coach delighted in collaboration for making possible, your better life?
By the time I got right answers, It was too late for this spousal relationship. What I can do, is learn and move forward! Still, I did not learn the right stuff from this failed marriage. I was looking for what was wrong with me. What was wrong with her. Why could she love another man and not me. I got depressed. I used other women as experiments. I did all the wrong things, until 10 days before divorce court, where the “business man” snapped back alive. I prepared for every possible twist that might happen. I prepared detailed evidence for every accusation, every point, that was coming forth from the 10 day disclosure documentation I had received. I briefed my attorney. I allowed him to be the attorney in that courtroom. A fair settlement was accomplished. Still, the “business man” had become the enemy of my wife quite a while back. I did not understand this. And she detested “whiny little boy chuck” that I had become during our time of legal separation. Key Point: All of us have roles that we play in different aspects of life that we find. Are those roles we play, the best role models for our situations?
As a man, I am Dad, son, brother, Chuck, ChuckyT, business man, mate, friend, jokester, serious one, lover, sometimes Mother, consultant, horseman, writer, student, pastor, life coach, warrior, magician, and sovereign. We all support different roles in the variety of life zones that we have. There are times when each is proper. There are times when the characters in my life need to collaborate. There are times when I need to allow one character to overcome the emotions, the feelings, the doubts, the fears, the faults, of another character. Sometimes we simply need to understand how to best use the skills of all of our characters.
We acknowledge thru extreme payrolls, commissions and bonus money, the value perceived with top paid athletes. And executives. Our top paid 1% to 5% of America, and of most of the world’s wealthy, are invested in lots of coaching. Why not give our Self some of this advantage? We might finish HS, GED, College, Masters, or a PhD. But, are we masters of our personal lives? We might have it all together in our hobby and be losing in our career. Have your children seen just enough of you to swear that they would never live like you do? Why waste years that I wasted? Truth is – they were not wasted. I just spent a lot of time trying to “out-learn” my older, misunderstood model. For a time, I took the great idea of experience, and retreated into that old “School of Hard Knocks” thinking.
I’m not discussing just taking classes for taking’s sake, like some “permanent student” that you may know. But to select courses, coaches, and mentors, based on what they can teach you about life. To do diligent research, and then fire off toward decisions that no one can take away from us, (except our own selves). Experience, plus proper implementation of knowledge, will make you more confident & help you meet your most needed needs. You must include plans of action. Most importantly, have fun with the discovery! Amazingly, that as I have more recently searched and prayed for guidance, God, in His infinite wisdom has served me with answers that better serve. I know it is because I moved the me, me, me behind. I began more to ask, “How can I be of more service to others?”
I was well advised that after the age of 30, I should consider putting on “my big girl panties”, cowboy up, and quit the “pity party”. There comes a time in life when we quit blaming childhood, parents, bosses, spouse, ex, poor education, poor $$, fate, God, and every other excuse. You and I are “large” enough to guide, appreciate, explore, & sometimes move, our own world. God loves us all enough to put us through “stuff “, so we would opportune our Self to really need to explore our own possibilities. (Look up Jacob’s wrestling in Genesis.)
Go out on a limb, but take the right tools. A safety belt, tethered securely, is nice. Being watchful enough to know to sit, or stand on the trunk side of a limb you are cutting, is better than cutting between yourself and your life support, your trunk, & your roots. Have another person to watch from a different perspective. From their grounded position, they might see a hornet’s nest that can be averted. You don’t always have to come out of your tree, but u can sure avoid stirring things u don’t want stirred.
With me, I was in several right places at right times, and didn’t really have a clue that just a little more push over the edge would result in cruising the downhill slope with much more ease than that climb upward. A wise man told me that you “recognize chances for success, when opportunity and preparedness meet”. I know our God is a just God. Merciful and mighty enough to give us all more than one chance. I believe that God wants a big party in heaven. He gives example by stories of big parties on earth. He wants as many as will come to the invitations sent. And, like humans are human, we often need more than one invite.
Ever had an important industry conference coming? You get a card & email saying, “Coming Soon.” Then in about a month you get another, giving you some agenda. Now you put the date on your calendar. And a week later you get at least one notice from one of the conference participants. (third party invite) You finally look at transportation & reservations. Two weeks before the event, you get a letter saying you are “pre-registered” if you just respond. All the time, there are ads, reminders and invites in trade mags, emails, phone calls… Finally you get bags packed and then have a great experience! Don’t you think the One who created us knows our nature?
Sometimes we can be ready for the opportunities He presents at 16. Sometimes at 22. Sometimes at 33. Sometimes at 45 or 55 or 65. Some people never understand that even our prior life is part of a stage, that we are fortunate, have been fortunate, to play. It has served us. It has readied us, as life readies us, for our better life. Now might be the time to thank what used to serve us well, and let it go. Put it on hold. Now, new is needed. We have become ready for an important shift in our life. Are the results we are having going to change without change?
Some will experience a better life than others. Is it fair? Is life supposed to be fair? Or is life supposed to be a challenge for us to grow? Some will not see a better life until after death. Some will start a shift change in their fortunes right now. Are you being unfair to yourself? Quit comparing you to anyone else. Compare you to who you used to be. Compare now, with where you have come from. Maybe with where you want to be. Know your goals. Know where you want to go with relationships, with career, with your personal development. If you do not know where you are going, how will you ever get there? Luck?
Fortune – the word relates to fortunate. I remember a CCR song about “I ain’t no fortunate son.” I told myself, that I might not determine everything in life, but I could try to do my best.
I have been told this was a quote by Reinhold Neibuhr and a prayer from St Thomas:
Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.
What I found out is that by using experience and knowledge of others before me, who have done, been, accomplished, what I want, I am wise to listen. Just because my bud and I have been hanging out for 25 years, does not mean his advice is right for this time, for this issue, for my life decision. Or he might be. Is he/she experienced in this endeavor? Has their concern or advice been positive, negative, right or wrong in past discussions. Does their advice favor them in a way I can understand as fair and just? For sure, if it is right to do so, use them as a sounding board; if for no other reason than to collect your thoughts. If they are not expert or experienced in this life zone you live, thank them, and find someone more qualified, someone who has accomplished, survived, flourished with their experience which relates closely to yours.
So, what are some things I have learned from finding mentors to enhance my experiences?
What I have learned is that it is the love of money, not money, that is a root of all evil. That it is wrong to have lots of assets that you depend on, as your god. That you are much better to learn to enjoy relationships more than assets. But, assets can allow you to deepen relationships, and to develop more of them. Think a moment. That Good Samaritan was able to put the hurt man up in a motel and pay for his medicine, food, & shelter. Did his innkeeper trust, or see, that the Good Samaritan had the means to back up his promise?
This story tells us to prepare our abilities, and to be willing to help one another. It is not wrong to use wealth, when wealth is used for good. Contribution to others is well versed in God’s plan. And satisfying your need for contribution is the best strategy to lift you out of depression, or away from anxiety. This is the way that God can pass a camel through the eye of a needle. If we can use a means to create wealth that is a steady stream of income, we do not need to hoard.
When we are no longer a slave to finances, we are free to love others in many worthwhile fashions. With a simple shift from “scarcity” thinking toward “abundance” thinking,
I now want to give, have a goal to give, am setting actions in motion to give, to charity more than I currently make in a year. – This is a worthwhile goal. If I am broken, the goal is without merit until a solution is put into action.
I learned that I want to live more than I have been living. I want to share worthwhile ways for you and for many to better balance their life. There are the same two excuses we use over an over again: 1) No time 2) No money.
We now have the technology for me to share to hundreds of thousands of people, through books, Internet, and other communications. I have all this stuff abounding inside that needs to be shared. And, I want to not only give “my” advice, but the gifts of wisdom that have been discovered over time. And, to deliver them in meaningful ways, so that you can feel great to use your social networking skills, through Facebook accounts, Twitters, Pinterest, Linked In or whichevers, to help even more people find enhanced value in their lives. I envision many good people sharing with others so that all may become bound in brotherly love and feel entrenched in helping lives of others. It is a “Jesus thing”, to pray to the Father, that His followers would become as one with each other, as Jesus was with our Heavenly Father.
This vision extends beyond barriers of whether we are Christian, Jewish, Muslim or offshoots of any of these. One of my dreams is to see all the sons of Abraham, all the sons of Noah, all the sons of your God, return to the respect of Esau and Jacob, as they met each other after a time of intense living apart. Will it happen?
There is a story of a man who was seen throwing sand dollars which were left on the sandy shore, as tides returned further to sea, and the man was throwing them back into the watery ocean. A passerby stopped and watched him do this for quite a while. Finally, the stranger walked close to the man and said, “You know, you can not save all these sand dollars. Do you think you are really making a difference?” To which the man replied, as he tossed another sand dollar into the surf, “To this one, it makes a difference.”
SO, I have been intensively in study of the art and science of mental health, physical health, moral health and relational health. And I have learned that by sharing my education, and my experiences, I can help lots of others grow from gifts our God has bestowed in my direction. The question remains of whether I can influence many people sharing these wisdoms with many more. Alone, I am limited, but together, we have limitless potential! We can multiply efforts together; rather than simply adding to a personal portfolio.
If you have been almost where you want to be for so long, come share the dream of making it over the top of your hill. There is help. We are not alone. Let’s grow each other, together. Hope to expand our possibilities together soon!
We have to comprehend, that just being told, just trying for a little bit, will not do the job for you. We do need to live, to experience opportunities, to really digest what is available. And your highest levels of living come from being willing, and able, to grow through sharing hope and life with others: Just like the Good Samaritan. Just like Jesus. Just like your Maker planned for you from before your birth. Do all you can for yourself, SO you can do all you can for your neighbors. (Ex:20:6“For those who love & respect Me, I will love, care, honor , show mercy, to thousands and thousands of their families, friends and acquaintances with whom they share relationship in Me.” – Hashem. (Paraphrased license taken by Chuck. Hashem is an honorable, respectful, Jewish name for our God.)
Want to know how you can help? Want to know how I can help? Holler my way. Leave some comment. God Bless You, ChuckyT, Life Coach.
Cell: 1 (864) 341 4775
PS: The reason for all this reading is to invite you to dream, to inspire you to question, & to expand your life into more than you ever dreamed.