Love Languages / Love Anguishes

V-Day is Coming. A little know-how goes a long way!

Life can grow inside the hearts of mankind.
Love Constantly grows. Either stronger or apart. Love is not only a choice we make, but understanding how to show love in ways that the recipient understands and the giver enjoys.

I was reminded, last week, of 5 Ways to Express Your Love to those you love. Dr Gary Chapman has written several books revolving around his “Five Love Languages”. The “Marriage That Lasts” series, available through EAGALA, uses these same expressions to remind us that we may really love another, but do those we love, understand that we love, in the expression we give?

We all have a primary way that we appreciate giving and receiving love. And at least another secondary favorite. Often these that we love to receive most, are the same ways we try to show our affections to those around us. Sometimes, the love language they most appreciate is not what we are delivering.

For example: Married over 10 years, one man was cutting grass so the whole yard was a showplace. He came home from work before his wife, so he usually started cooking supper. After, he almost always washed the dishes. A multi-tasker at his profession, he could put clothes in the wash, vacuum floors, and just generally clean as he walked through his home. His love language was definitely “Acts of Service”. To do many little things to make life easier for his wife was the way he showed his love to her.

WE know we want love. WE know we want to give love. SOmetimes we need to work around the barbs.
WE know we want love. WE know we want to give love. SOmetimes we need to work around the barbs.

Still, His wife cried that they didn’t have any time together. He was always “working on some project” or “cleaning up after her”. She felt unappreciated as a person. And she felt she could never make him happy with her performance as a housekeeper. Why? Because he was always busy doing something for her, and she wanted time alone with him, undivided, not multi-tasked, to listen to her life. Her love language was “Quality Time”.

As Gary says: “Can you see the problem in this relationship?” Both love. Both were hurting. Both felt unappreciated.

What if we listen, and watch our partner, our children, our career associates, just a little more carefully.

The “Five Ways to Express Love” are:
a. Encouraging Words – complements, “sweet nothings”, being on the side of your partner when outside stress has them in a tizzy.
b. Gift Giving – Whether a dandelion from a child, or a romantic nightclub dinner together, More Importantly: lots of small “tokens” , often, will mark the love they understand.
c. Physical Touch – Holding hands, walking close. Snuggling on the couch watching a movie. The back of your hand caressing her cheek. Rubbing his back as you saunter behind him.
d. Acts of Service – Cleaning the toilets, dishes, floors. Taking out the trash. Cleaning the car. Organizing his closet, or drawers. Not because it is your part of the chores to be done. Not as a trade out, barter, or work contract. But because you wanted to make them happy.
e. Quality Time – Time is most precious. Being present for your partners entails really listening. Turning off the electronics for sharing dreams together. No one on a deathbed ever wishes they had more time for working hard. They wish more time had been devoted to relationships, and to self appreciation.

Why wait till some critical problem, to transform your life and relationships. There are questions and observations you can easily learn, to know how your variety of children, parents, spouse, co-workers, superiors & subordinates, and every worthwhile relationship can be enhanced, through delivering to “them” as “they” most appreciate. And in doing so, you will discover more diversity in your acceptance of love too. (Life gets Better!)

Freedom - Together! Freedom to give. Freedom to listen. Freedom to live.
Freedom – Together! Freedom to give. Freedom to listen. Freedom to live.

Just a thought! God Bless all of you. ChuckyT.

Emotional Intelligence Inquiry

While we wish we could run through life without stopping, having moments to evaluate are not moments lost.
Ready, Set, (Think, Evaluate), GO!

(New! – Relationship Enhancement Opportunity just below)

Lately, I have been in a course of study with the Gottman Institute up in WA, USA. This led me to study with Daniel Goleman who wrote a book entitled, “Emotional Intelligence”. This led to several YouTube searches and more research. This made me research the functional parts of our emotional brain. And this led to much more research on research done. All of this as a small part of an understanding of PTSD, and related alternative cognitive discernment. In sum, I find hope in what I study.

***  You can Register Now for The Gottman Institute’s workshop:  “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”.  Based on the best selling book by John Gottman, and now 40 years and well over 3000 couples in long term longitudinal research.  Learn the research, and learn how you can develop the BEST MARRIAGE SKILLS of “Marriage Masters”.  –  Click on Dream Marriage – “Hallmark Romance” can happen on the MENU  BAR, on this page.   ****

Using our emotions, enjoying our emotions, rather than becoming held at the mercy of our emotions, can be a learned skill. In fact, channeling emotions for personal and social good has become a trend being taught at many K5 through grade 9 schools across America. Statistically, children who grow up through adolescence, understanding the skills of “thinking” things through, and considering everything from alternative actions, consequences, WWJD, their feelings and what feelings they are really feeling, and what other people may feel that they are feeling at times, properly recognizing the emotional expressions of others, and how to hold emotions stemming from the amygdala led “reptilian” brain in check, through training our prefrontal cortex to “catch” habitual patterns of upset, anxiety, fear, sadness, & anger, have what is now called a higher EQ, or Emotional Intelligence Quotia.

[ Explanation Sidebar – Was that last sentence long enough? Understanding emotion should start before school age and gives your children competitive advantage in their world, and a chance for happier relationships with their peers, their marriages, their parents and their children. ]

People who have a better understanding of emotional intelligence, and how emotions are recognized, patterned and socially acceptable, will have much advantage over other people who lack these skills. For years, our educational systems have looked at the “IQ” of math, language, and intellectual skills. And these are important. But in the real world, wiser employers and business analysts, and more wise sexual mates, are looking beyond a level of intelligence that is expected, and toward the social skills necessary to carry the “clan” to excellence and more permanence.

Libraries and global maps are part of education our child. Emotional learning is every bit as important.

We give our best so our children will have their best chance at “the good life”.

Emotional intelligence extends beyond what we might term as common sense. It is a recognition that everything from memory is better reinforced through emotional experiences. And because memories are linked to emotional experiences, understanding will lead to knowing when and which emotions need to be stimulated to lead a person, self or significant other, toward healthier resolutions, greater alternative solutions, and advanced leadership through empathy, as well as correct decision making.

Amazingly, Does it seem that our emotions may seem to drive us into fear, anxieties, depressions, aggressions, and other negative impacts? Fight or flight response has been linked and habituated into so many action/reaction incidences. But, unless there have been certain surgical cuts, disconnecting the limbic system parts from our cortex structure, or parasites cysting in our brains, (and these are very rare), we can train alternative responses to previous stimuli, and future stimuli. We can have fun recognizing what triggers people in which direction, (especially ourselves), and how to be a friend, by helping buds with alternative responses to stuff that might otherwise drive them “nuts”.

Not just for children: This emotional recognition might be just the course of study which may impact your life as no other has until now. From better study skills to better sex, from closer relationship with your God to knowing which choices to work towards and which to best flee, from reducing procrastination to empowering delegation, emotional intelligence will be one of the skills you need to better balance life and experience it to the fullest.

One key to emotional intelligence is timing. The earlier we can begin teaching emotional recognition, and response, the further ahead a child, or an adult can lead themselves and others. Even in Fifth Grade in the New Haven Social Competence Promotion Program, evaluated in New Haven Public Schools, grades 1-5, impulse control is displayed on a “stoplight poster”. Red Light – 1. Stop, Calm down, and Think before you act. Yellow – 2. Say the problem and how you feel. 3. Set a positive goal. 4. Think of lots of solutions. 5. Think ahead to the consequences. Green Light – 6. Go ahead and try the best plan. (Thanks & a Hat Tip: Daniel Goleman and Roger Weissberg)

[ Sidebar – I advise that you enjoy reading Daniel Goleman’s best seller: “Emotional Intelligence – Why it Can Matter More Than IQ”. The book has more info than the audio, but I have done both. ]

What is marvelous is that with the right skill sets, we can understand where our emotions come from. We can understand why we act and react as we do. We can own our past and if necessary, thank it and bid it good bye. We can then move forward with use of our emotions for better learning environments, for easier learning and application of things learned, and to feel alive in ways we really want to feel alive!

We all expect leaders to know the motions of their work. Now we need them to better understand the emotions of their work.
Properly reading the emotional cues given, and knowing what to do with them, can make or break tremendous opportunities.

If you would be interested in learning more about emotional intelligence and how it will enhance your love life, your spiritual life, your career, and your health, send me an email to my personal or comment below. I would be interested in knowing if there is a group of us who would be interested in a group study, and group interaction via Skype, or teleconference, and/or a curriculum developed for better use of emotional intelligence at home and in the workplace. Learning is best achieved when we share, and by teaching each other the lessons we just learned!

God Bless All,    ChuckyT

What is Your Source for Experiencing Your Personal Best?

Life is better when we take many small achievable steps to live toward worthwhile goals.
Life is better when we take many small achievable steps to live toward worthwhile goals.

If you take just a short time of reflection, you will find some accomplishments that portray your greatness. How do we become great? Compounding repetition and practice, combined with a strong reason of “why” we do this, make your potential for greatness. In greatness, you perform in an unconsciously competent state.This is like driving your car. You sometimes hop in and reach a destination; then you can’t remember driving there. You have repeated the skills ands the patterns and the routes until your unconscious mind puts them into competent “automatic pilot”. This is why you can concentrate on your music, and not worry about (usually not worry about), missing a turn, or a stop sign coming.

Things are mostly steady, like the waves pictured above. You are a master craftsman at certain relationships, at certain duties, in certain environments.

Yet, how do we respond when our environment shifts? Might be unexpected resistance in a relationship. Might be shifts in a marketplace. Might be a change, a transfer, a break from your normal. Can you take the strengths you have and apply them to the new circumstance?

Or is it time to readjust, re-tool, or look to different growth potentials.  Have you plateaued because the market is developing, as CD’s killed the vinyl record business?  Or have you plateaued because your leadership is reaching a “Peter Principle”?

In other words, have you reached a place of becoming stuck. You feel in your gut that growth is on the verge of challenge. You feel, you see, that the work atmosphere is also causing your home life to suffer.  You know there are priorities you must relinquish because the past is holding your present from a secure future.

We have all been here at some level. How did you break through the past times? Can your previous experiences gain control of these circumstances? Is it time to bring in fresh outlooks?

Milton Erickson, renowned Psychologist, believed that most people hold the answers to our challenges within. I agree. If we could properly appraise our conscious thoughts, we would know which directions and the kinds of help to seek for solutions.

There are parts of any ongoing business, of any ongoing relationship, that have strengths upon which to build. And, there are always areas that could be improved. There should always be contemplation with ongoing education.

Just when we think we are driving a straight road, some incident reminds us that we sometimes think we are better than we are doing.

Proverbs, in our Old Testament, tells us that there is wisdom in seeking wisdom.

I watched one very strong man surround himself with people who would never dispute his opinion, never challenge his direction, seldom offer a point of view that would not be popular with the leadership. Because he surrounded himself with only “yes” men, he never progressed to his fullest capabilities.

Another person had a pleasing leadership style that would be great as a customer service rep, but he had disabling difficulty with other key decisions. The opinion and direction changed with almost every suggestion.

How are you growing these days? Do you have a “why” that guides you? Do you measure today’s meaning against yesterday’s potentials? What are we doing to prepare an 18 month plan? It seems a 5 year plan taught to me in college is bogging down the speed with which we must act, in this time of information overflow, changing markets, and time constraints.

How about tossing some opinion?

Thanks,  ChuckyT

PS: As I move from unconsciously incompetent to consciously incompetent, to consciously competent, please bear with me. I have built many websites, but this is my first time with WordPress, and with sites that properly change shape along with your mobile device, desktop or tablet.  I really have a learning curve!  Wooooeeeeyy. Am I learning to take my own advice?   Thank you to both Katrinah at 77webstudio, and Ellyn Reeder.

Links to more pages, menus & such r comin soon!