The Passion of Breakthrough

Miscommunication creates lacking passion.
Life takes more than “what you think” is communication.

Only a matter of time.
Pains, tragedy, unknowns, and disappointment affect close personal relationships.  This will happen to all people. Why does it seem that some people will work through and become more happy, more financially capable, stronger? Why do some people quit and fail? We might think of luck, or intelligence, or hard work. Realistically, it is love, and how to use love to move and motivate. Love, that should be so easy, that is the source of happiness, can also drive us awry.

Some challenges are going to happen just by moving two people into a home together, even though previously dating for long times. There are things that will come up that you never anticipate. Sometimes impasse is based on rules and bias and ways you were raised to handle certain situations & circumstances that differ from the rules and meanings that your spouse held. Maybe at first, it is a simple fix. But what happens if we allow lots of little events add, accumulate, or become a focus of our attention?

Throw in the fact that many marriages today are blending families: children, hurts, failed expectations, from previous relationships & divorces and you can understand some of why there are multiple challenges to face. You might think that if only these challenges would creep in one at a time, it would be better. Life does not seem to work so easily.

One family might have a style of handling problems by trying to immediately communicate all feelings. They might yell and get it over with, or might face each other down and immediately pour out their souls.

Another family might have a history of stepping back and waiting on things to dissipate. Then maybe, sometime in the future, have a discussion that is more calm. Or maybe, it will just go away if unattended. Others seemed to do so.

Another family history might be of sulking, or “getting” away. Each partner is trying to turn into themselves for solace, or for the joy of depression, or anxiety. But is this not supposed to be a partnership?

Now none of these things are to be judged right or wrong here. They are, for now, just to be understood as differences in how we have previously been taught, or have rewarded ourselves, experienced ways, that we deal with issues. What happens when one member communicates as they have learned, but the other takes the communication all wrong. Have we just experienced compounding problems?

It is import to communicate. And often, we think we are communicating. We understand what we think is happening. But does our partner really understand? Are they trying and “thick”? Are they ignoring the issue? Are they hurt, or trying to hurt you, by the meanings they give or actions they take?

Once, in the boot department of my retail store, a customer was trying to say something I could understand. They had a real need to communicate, and so did I. We had the same goal, but couldn’t get it across. He needed some cowboy boots and I wanted him to have them. Problem was that the gentleman was trying to communicate in Spanish. I was trying to communicate in English and neither of us was doing well. Just for the heck of it, frustrated, I asked, “Parle vous Francaise? Mais Qui, he happily replied! Communication issues were quickly resolved. We found a language that was perfectly understood by us both. All we had to do was keep trying until we found similar meaning. We were both so delighted that we did not give up on us!

Almost no one who marries ever expects the relationship to turn south. We all desire to have a relationship of love and understanding. Just sometimes our understandings have multiple meanings, different beliefs, or sometimes blocks are thrown in the way of resolution by just not having the skill sets to more easily resolve personal difficulties. But if and when a “breakthrough” moment happens, there is joy beyond all previous frustrations. There is significance and growth and contribution shared in overcoming the difficulties. We then find that we are blessed by the experiences. This is why we call it a “Breakthrough”.

Part of having a coach is to assist you when you need skill sets in negotiating. Partly, to be a third party who might be sure that each person in a relationship has a fair chance to really understand the feelings and needs of the others in your relationships.

We have all heard the expression of “walking a mile in my shoes.” We have heard of the man who complained that “he had no shoes, until he met a man with no feet”.

If you have been close enough to get into the body, sensually, intimately, sexually, of your spouse, then you have the responsibility of taking a time, often, to place your self into their emotional place. Be inside them for a time. Really be them, in their shoes, as they try to deal with issues at hand. Have presence and understanding by at least role playing from their position or point of view. Feel from their perspective. Take a time to not be who you normally are. Man up and listen; Man up and look into their eyes deeply enough to know their pain, their trials, their frustrations.

I say man up. Ladies will often comment on putting on their “big girl panties”. Knowing, ladies that your man feels respect by your letting him know that he is making you happy, and that all the bitching in the world will not be as effective as allowing him to make you “light up”, and that a man has been raised in our culture, all his life, to listen for the gist of what he understands to need fixing, immediately going into “problem solving mode”, and that you must encourage him to become better at not doing what he might think is what a guy is supposed to do. He has not been raised to know how to enjoy giving you presence. You hold a part in your happiness within your marital relationship. He get’s frustrated when he cannot have immediate solutions. He will tend to go into frustration, or doubt. By experiencing this for yourself,you better understand the emotional roller coaster he is trying to ride.

Guys, If you want that woman to feel that you are listening, keep in mind that you have “two ears and one mouth”. Concentrate on her needs to be feeling understood. With most instances, she needs to feel understood more than, certainly before, she needs a dilemma to be resolved. You are “fixing” things all over your life zones. You dive in fast and use what you know to get things back on track. What you don’t know will harm you! Take a deep breath. Relax. Hear. When you are with your lady, the tool you need is to be able to feel as she feels, while she is pouring out her needs to be heard to you. Take your emotions of masculinity and pour them all into your concentration, just as you would if you were at work. You can do this while you watch a sports event. You get into the game. Get into the game with her. This is the first step to bringing your relationship back to the romance you both deserve. When you feel her emotions, you better understand that she is working through many of her own solutions as she is discussing with you listening. The female parts of partners can find relief in talking though expression. Guys, you might not need to worry, work, drain yourself, so hard. Just concentrate and feel her, be with her, as you do when deeply in concentration. Enjoy the trust you are building, the feeling of security you provide by being 100% with her, when you are with her.

Once both parties have placed themselves into the others’ feelings, There is truly a level of understanding that can allow renewal of the relationship.

There is no embarrassment in presently not having the skill sets to renew your relationship. Most people do not understand the skills they could employ! The embarrassment only happens when you find that there are skill sets that can be used to bring “breakthrough” moments to your family, but you refuse to, or are afraid to try. Remember, most 5th graders find a time that they want to quit school for some reason. They don’t feel understood. They cannot see a light at the end of their tunnel. But, they are not allowed to quit, and many of them by further education, become doctors, and business people, and even teachers.

There is only harm in not learning the skill sets you need to bring ultimate romance and feelings of belonging, of oneness, back or even for the first time, into your relationship. I can attest. Prior divorces prove that I did not have these skill sets. Praise God, I have found them now. When you are not used them for a time, they do not feel so natural until we exercise them some. It may seem like brushing your teeth with a left hand, when you write with your right. Awkward to begin. Almost hilarious as the toothpaste goes all over the top of your lips, onto the side of your face, and you start to hold your arm still and move your head up & down. Once practiced and accomplished, and still together, stronger in union than ever, you might even laugh at how silly it was to not have this passion all along. On the other hand, once gone, it takes more effort to overcome the pains of failure, than to recover the love with that person whom you admired before.

I can remember, many years ago being so frustrated when friends, a married couple, called me to try to help them get through a tight spot in their relationship. Both are good people. Both are God loving, family loving people. They simply reached frustration levels that intensified beyond their capabilities to recover. Knowing I loved them both, they called me over to help. I was so frustrated, because I did not have the skills to help turn them back toward each other. I only had my prior poor experiences and cliches that were better left unsaid.

If only… If only… Instead of living a life of “if only”. Wouldn’t we rather live a life of passion with the person we already share children, time, values, assets, vacations, memories, together? Passion is only a small time away. I believe your lawyers would rather make their livings by helping you with estate planning, than through divorce court payments. Chances are really good that even if this relationship does not work, without the proper skills, your next relationship will end the same. So, unless there has been harsh abuse, save all the things you have been through together. You can learn to use the good and the not so good, to grow stronger, more loving, more understanding, more worthy of love.

Willing hearts need relationship skills to polish a marriage.
Love, with understanding of good relationship skills, can create joy where disappointment used to reside.

It does happen, every day. Help is available for you. So, are you ready to fight into a lot of hard work and disappointment?  Or, would you rather spend the rest of your relationship in joy and trust?

ChuckyT

Celebrating Fatherhood

Nothing centers a family more than love.
Nothing centers a family more than love: Respect and Listening

Whoa Ho! Father’s Deserve Celebration

My Dad was unique in many ways. He would have a hobby for a year or three, then find another one. (Dad needed to know he could accomplish things. He needed to feel significant. He would vary his hobbies because he loved feeling his growth. Whenever he felt a plateau, he just changed hobbies.) As I turned 10, I began to follow his “Hobby Trail”. We went from dirt track car racing to restoring antique furniture, to fishing, to vegetable gardens, to horses. Charles never did anything halfway. He would go at a new hobby as if it were the last thing he would ever do. He got over the horses; moved from our horse farm, with a job promotion, and went into pit cooked BBQ mastery. I’ve been with horses ever since. Just can’t get away from them. The small horse farm I live upon is the place that he and Mom purchased during his “horse phase”.

When we were looking for a “horsey” place, Charles had narrowed his decision to choose between 2 locations. One was a dream. The other was a “project”. I prayed hard for the ambition we now call Walking T Stables. We were able to make it a dream home. Through unexpected circumstance, the dream place reduced in price to a point our family could afford it. Yet, God does have understanding that confuses humanity. Right after we built barns, arena, painted the old two-story home, picked up thousands of rocks, built fencing, and had it “just right”, then two tornados crossing the property within two minutes of each other, allowed me to rebuild again. Took many years and many projects to get it right again. And weather has kept me guessing ever since! And yes, the “project” homestead missed all that December path of stormy weather.

My Dad, with home imploded and barns in shreds, was offered a job in Mom’s home town, with a substantial pay increase. It was a “no-brainer” for him to move. I asked if I could stay, clean up the debris, and rebuild. He thought that was a great Idea. Seems he was always having a bit of luck, all his life. He could run into deals no one else could believe. When things seemed bad, he could have good come from it. When all looked so bleak from an outside position looking in, he was able to start fresh. He and I needed time apart and circumstance certainly provided it. I earned scholarships for Lander University, about 4 miles from the farm. Insurance on the house blown apart paid the farm mortgage. So he and I were free to pursue separate goals.

As I continued through my last teen years, and through this day too, I have tried to make the family proud of our little farm. Daddy has since passed away. I still yearn for his approval. And since he is no longer here, I can choose to get it! I choose to hear him say, “That’s my boy.” These are words he shouted when I sang Karaoke for him. (You see, we can choose how we decide to experience events in our present. Daddy was a man of few complements. So, every time I remember his complement, it reinforces the memories of times we enjoyed together, thus, making my life happier today!)

The old tornado torn house has been replaced with another that serves as our store warehouse/my apartment, today. (Looks like a big house from the outside!) Rodeos, horse shows, clinics and more have been a part of our legacy. We have held some really famous visitors, like the Arena Productions Lipizzaner Stallions. And many less heard of kids that have since become congressman, contractors, artists, housewives, firefighters and just good people. They had a place to hang out, under the mentorship of people who were the right sort. They had chance to watch change in their lives, and the lives of their friends. Rather than brag about what “I” have done, I know I honestly built upon Dad’s foundation. And all those “kids” chose their paths from all the people in their lives. We, several adults, teens and other kids, only guided.

Without the startup of my Dad, with his temporary horse hobby, I probably would not be the horseman I am today. Without that small horse farm, not all but hundreds, of kids would not have been raised with the values they now have. Or, with the experiences of how to get mad and get over it properly. Or, how to become leaders among their peers. Or, how to concede to parental supervision, and still hold their feelings of independence. (Intra-dependence is a wonderful plan that keeps families and friends together. Learning to enjoy depending on each other is a combination of personal significance and contribution to others in a higher level of love & connection.)

Charles has no idea how many lives he affected. Charles has no idea of the teams he contributed toward the build, teams he never met, outside of his insurance job. This horsey hobby he started into, though he left, has helped mold people who have helped mold people in positive and productive lives. In the Bible, it mentions that a man who can leave an inheritance for his children is looked upon with good hearts. I have not inherited the farm, but I have full use and care of it. It is family property and someone else will care and enjoy it after I am gone. (I understand that I am one in a long stream of caretakers of this earth. The assets of this world are useless to us, if we do not use them for the good of our human brothers and sisters.) This follows the understanding promised to Abraham. His descendants would be like sand and stars, His sons would have sons that had sons and all would be attributed to him. Even ones he never had chance to meet are influenced by his character, legend, and love.

But, what I have inherited from my Dad was a sense of healthy work ethic. Because others have done for me, I choose a destiny to make things happen for others, as well as for myself. I inherited a love of this life and a love for the next. I relish a respect for all things living. Knowledge that family is important and life is too short to be fussing & fighting among each other is a key to what makes me tick. And the horse experiences allowed introduction to the EAGALA model of equine assisted therapy. And the EAGALA led me more deeply into Life Coaching.

My Dad was a good provider of how we might obtain things: barter, service trades, making treasure of another’s trash, as well as cash. He liked to holler, “Do as I say do, not as I do.” (He meant about smoking & drinking & occasional swearing. So, although this saying was implanted in my mind, I wish I had learned even more of some of the things he did do well!) While he was alive, time spent in asking relevant questions would have been well spent. And so, I learn from both his good nature and his other side. Both faces of Charles have been instrumental in my life. And I learn to make relevant things that should be, between myself and others close to me.

Your children might have been perfect. Or, your children might have been human. Your Dad might have been perfect. Or, your Dad might have been human. He is your Dad. And the Ten Commandments state to honor your Mother & Father so that your life might be long. If you are under the age of 16, and not in touch with, or upset with your Dad, that’s probably part of growing up. (If there has been the rare case of abuse in your paternal relationship, seek proper help. You both need it so that a more positive relationship(s) can ensue.) If you are over the age of 17, man up, cowboy up, and get things right with him. Father’s Day is more than a new tie, or a new tie-down. It is more than a boot on his feet, or a boot up your arse. It is a wonderful time to spend with him, and to let him see, to review for yourself, how much he has taught you. Tie a new knot in your relationship that can slip as tight or as loose as needed for the times needed. Neither father nor children should feel a hangman’s noose.

Some of you have a father, are a father, and might have children that are fathers. So, instead of trying to do a little, that means little, in so many directions, take this whole month of June and celebrate love in all directions of fatherhood. Pre-arrange time with each significant male. Let them each know that because you value them so much, and they will be so busy on the “F-Day”, that you want to celebrate the real meaning, doing more, together. So, let’s set our calendars!

Men, “Love is the secret of becoming a real man”. Never forget this. Jesus taught that all else is to be built upon loving your Father in heaven, and loving each other. Pretty smart idea, if you ask me. We do like to sleep at night, huh! (Yes, learn to Love your Self so you can love others.)

So love your Daddy on earth, as you love yourself. Love those children of yours, as you love yourself. Love your children’s children because they are your legacy. Try to see life from all these points of view and it becomes easier to let things slide into place. I say this to fathers, because unlike Mother’s Day, when things are, should be, all about Mom, Father’s Day, if it is going to be a guy thing, should also be about how we can become better Dads too. (You cannot always choose how others will feel about you, but you can feel connection and significance and growth in the feelings you give to others, irrevocably! And three of your six human needs being filled will form a lasting habit.)

  1. Pick your arguments wisely. Don’t need to win every time. All can learn from debate of differing points of view. Both Dad and children need to feel importance.
  2. Call them. Don’t wait for a call. Don’t we really like to be ahead in “brownie points” anyway? Connect in ways that interest them. You can learn and grow from their discovery.
  3. Learn to lead them into discovering for themselves, the ideas you would like them to discover. Nagging, or commanding does not work as well as introducing better life choices, among which they can choose.
  4. Know that the better legacy you can leave is not a bunch of toys by themselves, but the knowledge of how they can create/accumulate/mend/replace their own. When they understand things from a mindset that is based on abundance, not based on scarcity, they will enjoy being generous.
  5. Know that stuff rusts, rots, and falls apart. True love is forever. Leaving a lasting inheritance, by becoming the “poster child” of love, self-respect, forgiveness, and respect for God (& others). Yes, this includes ex’s, in-laws, out-laws, and marital partners of those who should be significant in the lives of your family. This example of respect through love/love through respect, especially to the male inside us, will be the best gift you can give all.

    Nothing should drive life further toward center than  a Fathers love.
    Nothing should drive life further toward center than a Fathers love.

Hope this helps!
Love you all,

Chuck
(864) 341 4775 cell

PS: We do have stuff for Dad at www.culturedcowboy.com (Many of us have more than one income source.) and in our local store. And if you might like to entertain a gift that will last a lifetime, perhaps a 12 week program of Life Coaching. If you are game, I’ll arrange a two for one to father/son or father/daughter sets. Programs must be arranged during this month of June, for completion by November 15th. Time is valuable and I only have limited availability this Summer. Here, you can save as much as you invest, in the future of many, whom you will influence in your life-spans. Learning together, you share, experience, reinforce double the value!

What might you expect to learn?
Ex: When your child is coming in from an afternoon of adventure, try using the phrase, “Johnny, As you are putting your bike away, just step over and close the garage door.” Emphasis should be placed on the words, ”away” and “garage”. Kinda sing it to them like poetry. This method of comment is much better than two commands, or two questions, either of which or both could be easily refused. By the time they comprehend the comment, they will have usually accomplished both without argument. (Thanks to Milton Erickson, MD, and Richard Bandler and John Grinder, Patterns of the Hypnotic Techniques of Milton H. Erickson, M.D. Volume 1, from whom many are also building legacies.)